Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
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[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?