Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
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The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century