A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
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If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Why is this me 😫
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.