No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
You Might Also Like
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Don’t snitch tag.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.