Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
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the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held