They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
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When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency