Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
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Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
me after eating Cheetos
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
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My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.