Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
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People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Is this a threat?
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
The booster protects against what, now?
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”