What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
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You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
“i miss shittin on people”
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Childbirth is so beautiful
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.