[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
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Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
A classic…
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Peppa pig = spicy bacon