I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
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(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.