People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
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Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
very niche meme I made
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work