Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
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Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!