*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
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Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
My wedding will be open casket.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one