My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
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it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
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babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.