Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
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I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.