I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back