Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
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Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”