Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
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Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.