Happy Halloween 🎃
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Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]