what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
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I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys