[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
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My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??