Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
You Might Also Like
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Well, this is awkward
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
my professor scared me for a second
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.