*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
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Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
LMAO.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”