Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
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me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.