Only a mother’s love …
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Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
multitasking lunch
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”