I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
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And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.