John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
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“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
it’s the silliest best thing
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.