[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
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*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Day 2 of my diet