Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
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Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
All food is good if you spell it wrong
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?