[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
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[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.