I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
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starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
it must be school picture day