People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
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Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
we all know this pain all too well
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Every. Damn. Time.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Me: I’m a mature adult
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