boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
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Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.