Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
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I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Gemma Correll
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?