[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
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Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.