Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
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Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
A leaf blower, but for people.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food