I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
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10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
new wife guy just dropped
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”