“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
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[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.