do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
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I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Lmao
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN