Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
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ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE