I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
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Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
it must be school picture day
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.