*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
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Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
worst…sale…ever
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.