Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
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“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball