DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
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don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.