New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
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probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Room with a view.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Dietest Coke
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult