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Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
a
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t
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.