*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
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Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?