It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
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[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.