My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
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Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”